


Kill Yr Dogs

by Darfur_Maxx



Category: Alfred's Playhouse, Barney & Friends, Barney Bunch, Dirty Jobs RPF, Rugrats & All Grown Up! (Cartoons)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Literature, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-06 21:38:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13420161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darfur_Maxx/pseuds/Darfur_Maxx
Summary: When the guest host for the latest episode of Dirty Jobs makes forced entry into the collective soul of the masses and hijacks the show, Mike Rowe has to figure out a way to stop it.





	1. Dirty Dogs

A dirty spam series, for a dirty world.

If this gets no reviews, then I'll know this section is dead ass shit, fo' sho'!

* * *

Hey look it's that SEXY MOTHERFUCKER ALFred Alfer, walking down those streets, smashing gaybo toilets and looking AT THE camera! "HELLO MY NAME IS ALFRED ALFER, AND THIS IS **MY JOB!** "

Suddenly, corny bluegrass blares as Mike Rowe narrates the intro while HIGH AS FUCK. "Alfred fucks the people who aren't afraid to get dirty." He said as he winked, eyes puffy and bloodshot. "On tonight's episode, we'll show you-"

" **ME!-!-!** " Alfred shouts at his FACE. Mike had a convulsion and belly flopped into Alfred's sewage leak. Alfred then stole Mike's hat and wiped his ass with it (his friendly neighbourhood homosexual pedophile pooped in his ass when he wasn't looking earlier.) He knew that he needed power, and lots of it. That meant that he must go train in the B-Ball Dimension to slam jam religiously in preparation for EVIL.

Mike knew what he had to do. "I must stop him," he said, as if he was in front of a live audience, "but I can't just quit my show, I can't go back to grandma prison . . ." The thought of those delicious old ladies made him involuntarily shudder. "Wait, I have an idea! I'll just sell out my show to Asspen and go on fighting Alfred in a new show!" He knew the American public well. If he managed to pitch it just right to Discovery Channel . . .

A smile crept to his face. "I think I'll call it `Kill Yr Dogs`."

He then squirmed into the sewer pipes like a big floppy dickfish, clogging straight to Philadelphia.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Slammin' and Jammin' Dogs

Thnx guize 4 showing u realy carre -upsidedown smile so it hapy alllllllllllll aloooonnnnnngggggg!-!-!-! ~~~```

* * *

"Yo dog, you be jammin' like WHITE CRACKER CUCKOLD BITCH, MAY'N!" The white trash known as Birdass Renigger said, watching Alfred fail at throwing b-balls into a hoop while he toked on a huge blunt, sitting on the nearby bench. "Sorry mayo-ass bitch can't even JUMP! How you gonna slam jam when you CAN'T EVEN FUCKIN' JUMP, **MUTHAFUUUUCKA!-!** "

"Fuck you, BITCH!" Alfred yelled back. He grabbed his b-ball that he had utterly failed to get a single hoop with and went towards Birdass Renigger so that he can bash his sexy face in with his (lack of) ballin' skillz; but then, that super powered homo POARNO SUPERSTAR DREW PICKLES slapped Dickfred Dickfer in the dick with his dick. His onslaught was brought to a dick-stint halt.

"No no, Swellfred Swellfer," Drew wagged both his finger and his penis as he chided him, "hot, rough, gay, anal sex is for _after_ basketball practice; whether you like it or not."

"B-but he called me a racial slur," the dog said, bringing himself to his knees and shaking his head in a hysterical fit, "he called me a _whiiiiiiite craaacker!_ He hates me 'cause I'm _ethnically Caucasian!_ He hates me, and I think he wants me to go jump off a bridge and _die choking on my **bodyparts!**_ "

"He's even whiter than me, much less you, Alfred." Drew gestured to the white male in his late 30's with a mohawk and Kid Rock-themed apparel. He gave zero fucks about anything and loves pimping out his younger sister down at the local Wal-Mart parking lot every Wednesday, in exchange for letting her touch his dirty white boy dick; that's how he can afford to live his rock-n'-roll lifestyle. "Also, he has the fourth largest cock in the world! It's right behind Ronald McDonald's cock, Barney the Three-Testicled Dinosaur's cock, and of course, my own three hundred mile long cock!"

"And my bitch deep throats it e'rry night!" Birdass Renigger sneered at Alfred, feeling as smug as his life-long idol Kid Rock back when he was banging Pamela Anderson. "She fucking swallows ev-er-y-time, **bitch!** "

"Oh, well why don't you go back to fucking your lard-ass whale of a sister then, you goddamned loser? Hell, why don't you marry her fugg' ass already and go back to Florida before I make you lose all your teeth?"

The whitey jumped up, feeling pissed. "Come n' say that to my face, pencil-dick bitch boy! I fuckin' dare you!"

"Oh, I'd love to; belieeee-ve me you little bird-assed re- _nigger_ , but this **TREMENDOUS FAGGOT** here ain't gonna let us." Drew had started to noisily masturbate his rapidly expanding, ridiculously ginormous cock, as if on cue. Neither Birdass or Alfred dared to dignify Drew with an outward reaction to this.

"Who, **_you?_** " Birdass Renigger shot Alfred an incredulous look. "FUCK you, Alfred! I know you ain't gonna do _shit_ to me, you fat furry pussy! I'd end up just fucking my fuckin' dick down your throat 'til you fucking choked! You telling me that _you're_ running Dirty Jobs so you can save the white race? You're a damn disgrace, bitch! Just look at yourself. You can't shoot hoops worth shit, and you don't even have a real job. I haven't seen you do jack shit outside of shit-posting on Twitter and YouTube all day, whining about CNN and the goddamn Jews, while people like me would've gotten their cocks sucked the fuck off at least THREE FUCKIN' TIMES by then! **FUCK!** " The blunt between his lips fell to the floor right then, still burning 'dat purple kush. "Nobody in the Alt-Right or the white nationalist movements take you seriously at this point; no-fucking-body! They just let you on their podcasts and participate in their rallies because they desperately needed mouth-pieces and wait until you take off your pants and spank your little doggy dick for them! You ain't shit! You'll never be fucking shit and you'll never will be! _Ever!_ "

The tears were swelling up in Alfred's eyes, staring at the wigger in an expression of pure hate. " ** _Fuck you . . ._** "

Birdass Renigger laughed, forcibly and hoarsely. "No thanks. I ain't _nearly_ gay enough to let a shitty little dog cracker like you hump me. I don't do pity fucks, unlike you."

Then, despite their best efforts to ignore the three hundred mile long cocked elephant in the room, Drew finally unleashed the fucking fury from his urethra. All over Birdass. Unbeknownst to him or Alfred, Drew Pickles' ejaculate had become so completely, utterly gay, homosexual, and poopy pie-flavoured faggoty over his formative years that it outright ate away at most things in existence, including the flesh (except for penises,) and bones of those that weren't homosexual males, or homosexual enough males. It was faster-acting than sulfuric acid, and it clinged to the skin just as well as regular male semen. The agony of being cummed on (or worse, inside of,) was absolutely excruciating. It felt like being eaten alive by thousands of venomous, angry, starving cats. They strip you to the bone and they never let go. They singe the bones with acidic, unrelenting pressure, until there is nothing left. Then, it takes the rest of your body and streams it through a wood chipper.

His screams were deafening.

Drew was still beating it, making sure that he got out every drop from his dimension-altering schlong. Once he was done, he put it back in his pants and turned towards the traumatized dog, with a smile on his face.

"Bag, that was swell."

**TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
